I've Become so Numb
by cigarettesandlatte
Summary: Mello.. He's dead and gone. You know that i love you, but I know that you love him.


Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note nor the characters! *sad*

Authors Note: This is my first Death Note fic I have _ever_ made, and I must say; DAMN! Death Note fiction is _really_ hard, it is so difficult to get the true emotions out. I hope that you will not be to hard on me (: The story is following the anime timeline and not the manga timeline.

One sided MattxMello. One sided MelloxL.

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><p><em>I'm tired of being what you want me to be<em>

_Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface_

_Don't know what you're expecting of me_

_Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you_

_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_

Looking through the windows, waiting for him to come home. I wonder where he is? 'Maybe that's him walking in the middle of the street'? he thinks to himself. The streets were cold and lonely and the worn out body he watched, was dragging itself through the night. Blond hair was hanging loosely and cut just beneath the shoulders. The body was dressed in tight black leather and lasses. Ice blue eyes could be seen through the blond bangs that were hanging in front of the young man's eyes. If you looked from afar, you would believe that it was a young woman, but if you looked close enough it was very easy to see that it was indeed a young man, a very beautiful young man. Matt would as always say beautiful. Mello is and will always be beautiful ti him and nothing could be compared to him. Matt always tried to hide his feelings from him, both from him and from himself, He knew that there was only one man who was important in Mello's life, and it sure damn wasn't him. But Mello knows that Matt loves him. But Mello only loves one person.**_ L._** How Matt despised that name...

Mello didn't walk through the streets in the same way as he used too. He didn't have that cocky - "I know that I'm hot but I can kick your ass" smirk on his lips anymore and he looked dead to Matt. Mail "Matt" Jeevas is in love with a man, who only considers him as a co-worker, a loyal dog, a friend. Mihael "Mello" Keehl loves another man, and they both know that he will never get to be with him.

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired, so much more aware_

_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_

_Is be more like me and be less like you_

"God dammit I am freezing, why did I forget my fur jacket"? It was just another cold November night and the winter was slowly arriving. Mello couldn't believe that it had already been 5 years… A world without true justice, a world being ruled by Kira, a world without the only person he had ever truly loved. His idol, his hero, his love. Mello couldn't really feel himself anymore.

_Can't you see that you're smothering me?_

_Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?_

_'Cause everything that you thought I would be_

_Has fallen apart right in front of you._

_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you._

_(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)_

_And every second I waste is more than I can take._

Did he always want to be him? No… He felt like a piece of puzzle. He felt like one of Near's fucking puzzle pieces. How he hated that little fuck. First of he didn't want to be _him_. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to be Mihael Keehl. Not Mello, not**_ "M"_** not his successor. But after he heard him speak through the microphone, he fell in love with his words. He just couldn't understand how a person could be so strong with his words. He is Mello's justice, Mello's hero, Mello's _love_...

_I've become so numb; I can't feel you there,_

_Become so tired, so much more aware_

_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_

_Is being more like me and be less like you._

Now he's on his way home to Matt. Mello thought to himself - _'That little idiot... He believes that I don't love him; and he knows that I love L. But no... I do love you Matt. As a friend, as a companion, as a brother. I know that you love me Matt, and you know that I know. But when I arrive at home, we will as always act like it's nothing. It's the secret truth, and the words will probably never come out. That is probably also for the best'._

As Mello walked farther towards the shared apartment, on the streets, on this cold November day; not just _any_ November, but the 5th of November, _**L's**_ death date, he knew for sure, that he would never stop loving him. 5 years he had cried, yelled, killed, worked, fought, so he could be just as _**L** _wanted him to be. Mello is justice, not Near, not Kira, but him, Mello. He is better than Near, because Mello had something that Near would never have. Mello has a heart, and it will be with him throughout this war against Kira.

_And I know_

_I may end up failing too._

_But I know_

_You were just like me with someone disappointed in you._

Mello could see that there was light in their shared apartment. He could see Matt's shadow. _'He's probably smoking and playing those stupid video-games' -_ Mello thought to himself. But he wouldn't have Matt any other way. Matt is his best friend, his _brother_.

_I've become so numb; I can't feel you there,_

_Become so tired, so much more aware._

_I'm becoming this, all I want to do_

_Is be more like me and be less like you._

"Hey.. I'm home".

"Yo' Mel's, what's up; where have you been"?

They both knew where he had been. Out yelling to the sea, crying his heart out.

"No where special, just been walking around town".

"Yeah okay, want to do something"?

"No sorry, I have to continue on the case".

Mello could see it in his eyes. Matt was hurt. Mello never took time to be with him, except if it is was working on the case.

_'I'm sorry Matt, but I have to do this. For me, for you, for **L**. I know that I'm no longer myself anymore. I'm only a shadow of the boy I used to be. I just can't feel him anymore... Maybe I'm just numb._

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there._

_(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)_

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there._

_(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)_

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><p><em>Hope you enjoyed it:)! Reviewing is as always appreciated!<em>

_Song: Linkin Park - Numb_


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